In 2022, I made a bold decision to challenge every negative stigma and stereotype I once believed and started going to counseling. Since that initial step, I’ve committed to regular sessions, and it has become a vital part of my growth. One reason I continue counseling is my fascination with understanding the why behind behavioral choices. When I uncover the reasons behind my actions, I can better identify what caused me to behave a certain way. If I decide to change, I can then determine how and when to make those adjustments.

Recently, during one of my sessions, I experienced a life-changing moment. I was discussing parenting and how my kids don’t truly understand “struggle” or the challenges I faced growing up. I was venting about the aspects of their behavior that seemed negative to me because of their lack of awareness. My counselor then asked, “Are you familiar with Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs?”

Of course, I was. I had studied the pyramid years ago and understood how it applied to my personal life. But what I hadn’t considered was how it applied to my family.

For me, my struggle began at the very base of the pyramid—Basic Needs. I didn’t always have consistent access to those essentials, so my focus was survival. Thriving or addressing mental health weren’t even possibilities—they were distant thoughts. But as I worked my way out of survival mode, I unlocked the ability to learn, love, be loved, and pursue my dreams. What I hadn’t realized was that as I grew and had children, they entered the pyramid at the level I was at during their birth.

Jayla, my firstborn, came into my life when I was in survival mode. She became my greatest motivation to grow. By the time she turned two, I had done the work necessary to provide for her basic needs, safety, and security. I was determined to be a loving, involved parent. When Stephen Jr. was born, I had reached the levels of love and esteem. And by the time Justus arrived, I had stepped into self-actualization. Each of my children was born to a different version of me.

Looking back, I remember vowing to give my children everything I didn’t have. At the time, I mostly meant material possessions. But now, I realize I’ve given them something far greater. I’ve provided them with the foundation they need to self-actualize. And that’s my role as their mother—to equip them for the journey ahead.

It’s not their fault they haven’t experienced the struggles I did. They started their lives on different levels of the pyramid than I did. I’ve come to understand that while I can’t hold their lack of struggle against them, I also need to teach them gratitude. I’ve given them what I worked so hard to achieve, and it’s their responsibility to build from there.

To the parent feeling frustrated or discouraged by a child who seems ungrateful: take heart. It’s actually a beautiful thing that they don’t fully understand the struggles you’ve faced. Their lack of awareness is a sign that you’ve done the hard work of breaking generational cycles and curses. Remember, our children are not equipped to validate our parenting—it’s not their role. Instead, let’s celebrate the privilege of giving them a better starting point. And while we guide them to be grateful, let’s also allow them to find their own way toward self-actualization.